Boulder hiring freeze: Non-Essential Jobs like Owl-Whisperer on Chopping Block
In a stunning move to preserve fiscal balance, Boulderians everywhere are discovering that even their city’s most lovingly quirky jobs are no longer eligible for hire.
Colorado Reintroduces Native Velociraptors, Immediately Regrets It After Goldendoodle Massacre
In a bold move to “rewild the West,” Colorado wildlife officials announced the successful reintroduction of native Velociraptors to the Rockies—just in time for the summer hiking season and farmer’s market crowd.
Rockies Announce ‘Tren de Aragua Bobblehead Night’
In a bold promotional move, the Colorado Rockies announced that next month’s game against the Miami Marlins will feature Tren de Aragua Bobblehead Night, honoring the notorious Venezuelan crime syndicate that’s been making headlines — and unwanted house calls — across the country.
Firebombing Fallout: Boulder Adopts “Common Sense” Safety Rules for Future Attacks
Boulder City Manager Nuria Rivera-Vandermyde explained, “This important step ensures safety for the Boulder’s Jewish community while balancing the first-amendment rights of undocumented immigrants who wish to protest Zionism by setting them on fire.”
Assisted Suicide: Colorado Rockies Oppose Effort to Extend Law to Season Ticket Holders
In a move drawing both political scrutiny and widespread empathy, the Colorado Rockies have come out against a controversial new bill proposed by progressive state lawmakers that would expand the state’s Right to Die law to include longtime Rockies season ticket holders.
Juneteenth Surprise: CO Springs Mayor Announces I-25 to Be Renamed “Jussie Smollett Highway”
In a surprise Juneteenth announcement sure to raise eyebrows, Colorado Springs Mayor Yemi Mobolade declared that Interstate 25 will be renamed “Jussie Smollett Highway,” in honor of “the brave pioneers of performative racial hoaxes.”
Boulder Panhandlers Demand “Vegan-Only” Handouts
In a move being hailed as both “empowering” and “deeply Boulder,” local panhandlers have united under the newly formed advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Handouts (PETH) to demand that all charitable food donations be strictly vegan, gluten-free, and ideally organic.
New at Front Range Whole Foods Markets: Handmade, Artisanal Toilet Paper
In a triumph of both sustainability and self-importance, Whole Foods Market locations along Colorado’s Front Range announced today the launch of a new product: handmade, artisanal toilet paper, delicately crafted by free-range co-op members using recycled poetry journals and tears of climate activists.
Tesla Announces Addition of New Color — “White Privilege” — to 2026 Line of Electric Vehicles
In a bold and brave marketing move that no one asked for, Tesla announced today that its 2026 electric vehicle lineup will include a brand-new premium color option: White Privilege.
Colorado Republicans Outraged as GOP Ad Omits Bald Eagle and U.S. Flag
The Colorado Republican Party was left reeling Thursday night when it was discovered a flyer for one of their candidates featured neither a bald eagle nor the United States flag.