WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
DENVER, CO — Colorado Governor Jared Polis held an impromptu press conference Tuesday where he strongly denied longstanding claims that the Centennial State is, in fact, shaped like a rectangle.
“This is yet another baseless right-wing conspiracy,” Polis said, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide featuring a crudely drawn trapezoid. “We are not, nor have we ever been, a rectangle. Anyone saying otherwise is perpetuating harmful geographic misinformation. Colorado is actually an ‘irregular, inclusive parallelogram,’ and I encourage all Coloradans to embrace our topographic diversity.”
DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
BOULDER, CO — Panic gripped Boulder’s city government this week after motorists reported experiencing the unthinkable: two consecutive green lights.
The Rocky Mountain Oyster is Colorado’s most fact-checked news source. It was founded in 1859 by licorice magnate P.J. Hornbuckle Jr. and quickly became the newspaper of record for the Rocky Mountain West.
