DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
In a recent speech to the United Nations, President Trump explained that his odd coloration is a result of his love for the Denver Broncos. Mr. Trump said, “You look at that orange, you think of toughness. You think of champions. Just amazing people. Amazing energy. Total winners. Believe me.”
As part of his statewide green initiative, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has mandated all restrooms be retrofitted with portion-controlling toilet-paper dispensers.
The Rocky Mountain Oyster is Colorado’s most fact-checked news source. It was founded in 1859 by licorice magnate P.J. Hornbuckle Jr. and quickly became the newspaper of record for the Rocky Mountain West.
