(DENVER) In a bold move to “rewild the West,” Colorado wildlife officials announced the successful reintroduction of native Velociraptors to the Rockies—just in time for the summer hiking season and farmer’s market crowd.
The plan, inspired by the controversial wolf reintroduction program, was intended to “rebalance the ecosystem” and “address the colonialist legacy of smooth-brained biodiversity.” Officials expected the sleek, six-foot-tall predators to primarily target methane-emitting cattle herds. But within hours, the raptors developed a disturbing taste for off-leash goldendoodles.
“We thought they’d go after the ranchers’ cows,” said Colorado Parks and Wildlife spokesperson Skylar Moonbeam, sipping a kombucha made from locally foraged moss. “But it turns out goldendoodles are slow, emotionally needy, and covered in bougie avocado oil shampoo. It’s like foie gras to them.”
The first incident occurred in Boulder, where witnesses say a pack of raptors “tactically flanked” a Lululemon-clad woman during a sunrise crystal charging ceremony. Her dog, Banjo, was last seen being carried off in a Patagonia backpack by the alpha raptor, later named “Shredder.”
Though ranchers initially cheered the news—“finally something worse than wolves”—concern quickly grew when the raptors began unlocking barn doors and texting each other in fluent emoji.
Local progressives remain divided. “Yes, they ate my dog,” said one tearful activist. “But at least they’re not contributing to climate change.”
Governor Jared Polis has issued a tentative plan to counter the crisis by reintroducing Tyrannosaurus Rexes “to balance the velociraptors,” though critics worry the escalation may continue until Triceratops are roaming the suburbs.
As of press time, a group of Velociraptors was seen setting up a co-op near Nederland and debating whether tofu counts as prey.
