The Rocky Mountain Oyster was founded in 1859 by licorice magnate P.J. Hornbuckle Jr. and quickly became the newspaper of record for the Rocky Mountain West. Named for Hornbuckle’s favorite treat, The Oyster became an indispensable source of news, gossip, and astrological readings relied upon by con men and prostitutes alike.
In 1883, The Oyster took a strong stand on corruption. We were for it. The resulting cozy relationship between the paper and politicians willing to pay for favorable coverage fed The Oyster’s growth until the Great Depression.
To save money during the paper shortages of World War II, The Oyster was often printed on Italian immigrants. Throughout the civil rights unrest of the early 1960’s, the paper was a leading voice for racial equality including its conditional support for the Civil Rights Act of 1964, if only it didn’t include the Irish.
The Oyster won its first of many Pulitzer Prizes in 1947 for “Truthatude,” cementing its reputation for complete accuracy in reporting, as evidenced by never running a retraction or correction, ever. Accordingly, after reporting Dewey beat Truman in the 1948 presidential election, The Oyster thereafter referred to Truman only as Former Vice President Truman.
The Oyster won its second Pulitzer in 1971 for its headlined coverage, “President Thomas E. Dewey dies.” The Oyster later won Pulitzers in various categories including smugness, elitist writing, cleavage photography, and dog fight sports reporting.
Today, the Rocky Mountain Oyster adheres to its original promise, “The truth starts here.” The online edition is read by an average of 2.3 million people each day. The staff is comprised of the perfectly-balanced diversity ratio of 45% men, 45% women, 4% trans, 2% questioning, 3% changing hourly and one non-sexual guy named Rick Lipsitz who works in accounting. The Oyster also has perfect racial balance with absolutely no Irish.
Officer Curtis Ely shared his experience with The Oyster. “We figured after months of this craziness that we were in it for the long haul with them, so I figured maybe I would pass out a few Speed Sticks and see if they’d use them. But at the sight of deodorant, they scattered like rats.
As Council member Mindy Fallon explained, “At our last meeting, we all agreed that we could really use some deeper hues in our sunsets over the foothills. We believed a little added smoke might our citizens the rich reddish-orange tones they deserve.”
Like many government entities. the U.S. Department of the Interior’s Bureau of Land Management has struggled to keep the brand fresh and exciting throughout the years…