BOULDER, CO — In a triumph of both sustainability and self-importance, Whole Foods Market locations along Colorado’s Front Range announced today the launch of a new product: handmade, artisanal toilet paper, delicately crafted by free-range co-op members using recycled poetry journals and tears of climate activists.
“We felt the modern bathroom experience lacked intentionality,” said Leaf Aspen-Riverstone, Director of Ethical Hygiene at Whole Foods. “Our new toilet paper is sustainably foraged from locally-sourced Colorado pine tree bark fibers, gently hand-woven during full moon drum circles, and aged in reclaimed kombucha barrels for optimal softness.”
The toilet paper, sold under the brand name Cheek & Conscience™, will come in three sizes: Mindful Square, Minimalist Strip, and the ultra-premium “Wipe of the Ancients,” which includes a QR code linking to a documentary about its origin story.
At $39.99 per roll, customers can rest assured that their bathroom routine is now a political statement. “Every purchase helps fund a community goat-sharing initiative and supports artists working exclusively in the medium of moss,” said Aspen-Riverstone, while adjusting her biodegradable shawl.
Initial customer reviews are mixed. “It’s a bit scratchy and left my chakras feeling… disrupted,” said Boulder resident Skyler Rain, “but honestly, the smug satisfaction I feel knowing it was handmade by an herbalist named Fern more than makes up for it.”
Whole Foods plans to expand the line next quarter to include reusable hemp-based wet wipes, a compostable bidet made of bamboo and quartz, and a weekly stool-analysis journal to track “gut chakra alignment.”
At press time, Safeway across the street reported a surge in sales of regular $4 toilet paper, which some locals dismissively referred to as “factory-processed butt napkins for the unenlightened.”
