(BOULDER) The Boulder City Council passed a new emergency ordinance Thursday to protect community members from terrorist attacks in the wake of the June 1 firebombing attack that killed one and injured 15 protesters.
Boulder City Manager Nuria Rivera-Vandermyde explained, “This important step ensures safety for the Boulder’s Jewish community while balancing the first-amendment rights of undocumented immigrants who wish to protest Zionism by setting them on fire.”
Effective immediately, anyone who wishes to throw an incendiary device in public must first wait 72 hours to purchase flammable materials.
“Terrorists can get around the waiting period by getting a permit from the Boulder County sheriff, after completing up to a dozen hours of Molotov Cocktail training and passing a test.”
The minimum age to purchase flammable liquids and glass bottles will now be 21.
To meet Boulder’s climate change goals, future Molotov Cocktail attempts must use bio-fuels instead of gasoline. “Sustainability and domestic terrorism are two of Boulder’s most cherished values,” explained Boulder Mayor Aaron Brockett.
The council voted 8-1 to pass the firebombing safety measures, with council member Taishya Adams casting the only dissenting vote.
Adams said she couldn’t support the biofuels rule, as the recycled kitchen grease doesn’t burn as hot as gasoline. “If you are going to burn Jews, you can’t do it halfway,” Adams explained.
Community feedback to the rules was mostly positive feedback, except for late pushback for the wording of “Molotov Cocktails.” Boris Badenov, a member of Boulder’s Russian transgender community said the wording was both hurtful and degrading.
Mayor Brockett agreed with the sentiment and proposed renaming the safety rules from Molotov Cocktails to the more inclusive Jew Depredation Devices.
