DENVER, CO — In a move drawing both political scrutiny and widespread empathy, the Colorado Rockies have come out against a controversial new bill proposed by progressive state lawmakers that would expand the state’s Right to Die law to include longtime Rockies season ticket holders.
House Bill 420, nicknamed the “Mercy for the Bleacher Faithful Act,” would allow chronically disappointed fans to pursue assisted exit after enduring “persistent, unrelenting suffering” — defined in the bill as watching more than 50 home games in a single season.
“This is about bodily autonomy and spiritual mercy,” said Rep. Luna Wildflower (D-Boulder), who authored the bill after attending a full three-game sweep by the Mets. “No one should be forced to live like this — especially when the bullpen ERA is pushing double digits.”
The Rockies organization released a statement condemning the bill, saying: “While we respect the compassion behind this initiative, we believe there is still hope — possibly in 2043.”
Longtime season ticket holder Carl Dunmore, 67, who’s been attending games since the team’s inaugural season in 1993, offered tearful testimony. “I’ve seen things. I’ve felt things. There’s only so much emotional pitching collapse a man can take.”
The proposed procedure would take place in a “compassion suite” at Coors Field, accompanied by soothing organ music and narrated by Vin Scully AI. Patients would be given a final IPA, a Rockies fleece blanket, and one last chance to boo the bullpen before gently drifting off.
Opposition is growing, however. Some conservatives say the law would create a “dangerous precedent,” while others note it could reduce parking congestion.
At press time, the Rockies were reportedly exploring a compromise solution: relocating season ticket holders to the “Denial Dugout”, where they’ll be provided with noise-canceling headphones and replays from the 2007 World Series run on loop.
