BOULDER, CO — In a move being hailed as both “empowering” and “deeply Boulder,” local panhandlers have united under the newly formed advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Handouts (PETH) to demand that all charitable food donations be strictly vegan, gluten-free, and ideally organic.
“We’re not ungrateful,” said Harmony Moonshadow, an unofficial spokesperson for the group who identifies as unhoused but energetically grounded. “We just think it’s oppressive to be offered beef jerky when our bodies — and the planet — are clearly crying out for sprouted lentils.”
Signs around downtown Boulder have reportedly been updated to read, “Anything Helps — Except Dairy, Meat, Gluten, Soy, or Corporate Energy.”
Panhandlers can now be seen sitting cross-legged on hemp yoga mats, holding QR codes to their Venmo accounts etched into reclaimed wood, and politely declining offerings of non-vegan granola bars with the phrase, “Namaste, but no whey.”
One donor, Amber, 42, a part-time Reiki practitioner and full-time Subaru owner, admitted the new standards were a bit confusing. “I offered a guy a KIND bar and he looked at me like I’d slapped Greta Thunberg,” she said. “I just wanted to help, but now I need a dietary consult before giving out snacks.”
PETH is also reportedly pushing the city to require Whole Foods to install a “Compassion Pantry” — a solar-powered kiosk stocked with conflict-free trail mix, fermented oat cheese, and small-batch kombucha with affirmations on the label.
City officials have voiced cautious support. “We want to respect everyone’s dietary journey,” said Deputy Mayor Lauren Folkerts, “but we also need to maintain public safety, especially after that unfortunate incident last week with expired tempeh.”
At press time, local police were dispersing a heated protest among the unhoused over whether honey counts as exploitation.
