BOULDER, CO – Amid an anticipated $8-10 million shortfall in 2025 revenues, Boulder’s city government has announced a hiring freeze on nearly all vacant positions — except for the truly “critical,” like firefighters and police. In a stunning move to preserve fiscal balance, Boulderians everywhere are discovering that even their city’s most lovingly quirky jobs are no longer eligible for hire.
Locally “Essential” Jobs Now Frozen
- Chief Kombucha Quality Guru – Responsible for auditing every kombucha batch served at city‑sponsored festivals. (Critical role? City says probiotics don’t keep pipes flowing.)
- Cannabis‑Tax Vaping Insight Analyst – Tracks precipitous tax falloff on vape/cloud‑based experiences. (Too non‑critical.)
- Pearl Street Mandolin Traffic Choreographer – Coordinates buskers and bikers via interpretive mandolin signals. (Intent: reduce gridlock respectfully. Status: politely cancelled.)
- Holistic Boulder Owl‑Whisperer – Ensures moose and owls feel appreciated during wellness Open Space walks. (Critical? Only if you count spirits over sales.)
- Tesla Charging Station Aesthetic Consultant – Hired to decide if the new solar‑powered art installation blends well with downtown vibe. (Deeply paused indefinitely.)
City Manager Responds
“We’re not taking this lightly,” said City Manager Nuria Rivera‑Vandermyde, stirring a kale smoothie while consulting her budget spreadsheet. “But only ‘critical’ roles like water safety and emergency services will proceed. If you wanted your kombucha guru to audit the micro‑brew scene, you’re out of luck.”
What’s Next?
The freeze lasts until at least December 2025. Hiring for jobs like Holistic Owl‑Whisperer or Mandolin Traffic Choreographer may not resume until voters approve new tax measures under review for the November ballot.
Community Reaction
Local resident Jenna Mapleton summed it up:
“So they’ll hire someone to fix a moose’s existential crisis—just not a person to fix our potholed roads?”
In Summary
Boulder has bravely chosen to freeze every position that doesn’t sit under “urgent public safety.” The kombucha must ferment unattended, owls must handle their own spiritual guidance, and mandolin-guided traffic must fend for itself—all in the name of fiscal responsibility.
Stay tuned if you’re hoping for occasional yoga‑bus routes or compost court docket reviews. Might be coming sometime in 2026… unless the revenue gods (and vape‑cloud enthusiasts) return.
