Governor Polis Wins Meat Marketer of the Year Award
In a strange twist, Polis’ nomination came as a result of him proclaiming March 20 a ‘MeatOut Day.’ Backlash from the declaration shot sales of beef, pork, veal, lamb, rabbit, kangaroo, bison, ostrich, antelope, frog, elk, llama, alligator, turtle, and yak to all-time highs.
DIA Great Hall Construction Delayed After Aliens Demand 10PM Curfew
Construction at DIA has been delayed once again, this time as a result of a 10PM noise restriction demanded by the aliens living in the tunnels below.
Area Middle School Laptop Costs Up 7200% Since Introduction of Zoom Dodgeball
“Two words,” declared Kurd. “Zoom dodgeball. I was so sick and tired of the rest of these teachers being able to do their classes on Zoom. What about me? What about us gym teachers? What can we do? That’s when it hit me. Dodgeball played over Zoom.”
Confusion Over Drag Race at Bandimere Speedway
“It was crazy,” said Gordie Abbott, who was working security at Bandimere that night. “There was this old rancher-looking dude in overalls in line right behind a guy dressed as Liza Minnelli. Never seen anything quite like it.”
Governor Polis Creates “Safety Squad” to Enforce Remaining COVID Restrictions
“Now is not the time to let up,” Polis implored in his announcement. “My newly formed Safety Squad—called the “SS” for short—will keep tabs on who you’re with, where you go, and what you do, in the name of public health, of course.”
Tay Anderson Recovering From Hate Crime Involving “Uniformed Jackbooted Girl Scouts”
“I was calmly leaving with my [expletive] groceries when at least two dozen [expletive] uniformed jackbooted girl scouts stepped up on me with an offensive posture, clearly intent on taking me down,” Anderson shared in the video.
Aurora Mayor Spending Week in Mansion to Better Grasp Plight of the One Percent
This week, Coffman is reluctantly living in a multi-million dollar mansion to gain insight into the lives and challenges of Aurora’s wealthiest residents.
Biden Wastes No Time Settling Into Oval Office
Among the belongings Biden was observed carrying into the office were a 20-pack of Depend adult diapers, a Tonka truck, numerous Barbie dolls, and a backpack he indicated contained three coloring books, a box of Crayola crayons, a Slinky, and a few snacks.
Governor Polis Launches Bold Signage Plan to Crack Down on Riots
“It’s time we make the message clear to would-be rioters that we simply will not tolerate it,” Polis said as he introduced his plan on Wednesday. “And what makes that message clearer than ‘Riot Free Zone’ signs?”
NBA Owners Successfully Convince Players to Stand for National Anthem
With TV ratings tanking and alienated fan bases, the NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers knew they needed to get players standing for the anthem, and fast! Fortunately, the team believes they’ve found the answer.