DENVER, CO—After nearly a year of what many believe to be excessive COVID-related restrictions, Coloradans have been eager to start gaining their freedoms back from the government. Colorado Governor Jared Polis, however, showed this week that he is not ready to surrender his control over the people.
On Tuesday, Polis announced the creation of an elite-level security force called the Safety Squad. The purpose, according the governor, is to identify and handle those who don’t obey his orders.
“Now is not the time to let up,” Polis implored in his announcement. “My newly formed Safety Squad—called the “SS” for short—will keep tabs on who you’re with, where you go, and what you do, in the name of public health, of course.”
According to the governor, SS officers will be identifiable by their uniforms and will patrol the streets, conduct surveillance, and execute home searches to ensure restrictions are being followed.
As sources close to the governor predicted, Polis pronounced that it is now mandatory for those who have been vaccinated to keep those records on them at all times. He warned that if one is unable or unwilling to prove immunity, he or she may be subject to being resettled to a unspecified location “out east.”
“We need to be especially vigilant at this critical juncture and it requires everyone being an obedient citizen,” Governor Polis explained. “I demand that you must contact the SS immediately if you suspect your neighbors, your friends, or even your family members are not in full COVID compliance. As a role model of mine once famously said, ‘Life doesn’t forgive weakness.’”