DEER TRAIL, CO – Every spring from all across the state, members of Colorado’s agricultural community come together for the Colorado Livestock Association Annual Gala. The event celebrates the year’s industry accomplishments and includes an awards ceremony.
Some of the more popular award categories include “Hottest Heifer,” “Fastest Cattle Castration,” and the newest category, “Best Plus-Sized, Gender-Neutral Hat.” According to event emcee Clayton Winchester, “That last one is really just to keep the PC wimps off our backs.”
But all eyes at the event were on Governor Polis, who surprisingly took home the heralded “Golden Bolo” award, given annually to celebrate Colorado’s meat marketer of the year.
In a strange twist, Polis’ nomination came as a result of him proclaiming March 20 a ‘MeatOut Day.’ Backlash from the declaration shot sales of beef, pork, veal, lamb, rabbit, kangaroo, bison, ostrich, antelope, frog, elk, llama, alligator, turtle, and yak to all-time highs. “Meat-In” events are now planned all across Colorado and in neighboring states.
“It’s the best advertising we’ve had since those ‘Where’s the Beef?’ commercials in the mid-eighties,” says Darrell Moynahan, a cattle rancher from Delta County. “Hell, Polis’ dumb ass idea just put my four kids through college and bought me a Lambo.”
In his acceptance speech, Governor Polis tried to cover his tracks, indicating that “MeatOut” was just his elaborate strategy to spark meat demand by using reverse psychology. The crowd was unconvinced as he was booed off stage.