President Trump Admits His Orange Coloration is Due to His Support of the Denver Broncos
In a recent speech to the United Nations, President Trump explained that his odd coloration is a result of his love for the Denver Broncos. Mr. Trump said, “You look at that orange, you think of toughness. You think of champions. Just amazing people. Amazing energy. Total winners. Believe me.”
Denver Purchases AI-Controlled Toilet Paper Dispensers
As part of his statewide green initiative, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has mandated all restrooms be retrofitted with portion-controlling toilet-paper dispensers.
Governor Polis Wins Meat Marketer of the Year Award
In a strange twist, Polis’ nomination came as a result of him proclaiming March 20 a ‘MeatOut Day.’ Backlash from the declaration shot sales of beef, pork, veal, lamb, rabbit, kangaroo, bison, ostrich, antelope, frog, elk, llama, alligator, turtle, and yak to all-time highs.
DIA Great Hall Construction Delayed After Aliens Demand 10PM Curfew
Construction at DIA has been delayed once again, this time as a result of a 10PM noise restriction demanded by the aliens living in the tunnels below.
Area Middle School Laptop Costs Up 7200% Since Introduction of Zoom Dodgeball
“Two words,” declared Kurd. “Zoom dodgeball. I was so sick and tired of the rest of these teachers being able to do their classes on Zoom. What about me? What about us gym teachers? What can we do? That’s when it hit me. Dodgeball played over Zoom.”
Confusion Over Drag Race at Bandimere Speedway
“It was crazy,” said Gordie Abbott, who was working security at Bandimere that night. “There was this old rancher-looking dude in overalls in line right behind a guy dressed as Liza Minnelli. Never seen anything quite like it.”
Governor Polis Creates “Safety Squad” to Enforce Remaining COVID Restrictions
“Now is not the time to let up,” Polis implored in his announcement. “My newly formed Safety Squad—called the “SS” for short—will keep tabs on who you’re with, where you go, and what you do, in the name of public health, of course.”
Tay Anderson Recovering From Hate Crime Involving “Uniformed Jackbooted Girl Scouts”
“I was calmly leaving with my [expletive] groceries when at least two dozen [expletive] uniformed jackbooted girl scouts stepped up on me with an offensive posture, clearly intent on taking me down,” Anderson shared in the video.
Aurora Mayor Spending Week in Mansion to Better Grasp Plight of the One Percent
This week, Coffman is reluctantly living in a multi-million dollar mansion to gain insight into the lives and challenges of Aurora’s wealthiest residents.
Biden Wastes No Time Settling Into Oval Office
Among the belongings Biden was observed carrying into the office were a 20-pack of Depend adult diapers, a Tonka truck, numerous Barbie dolls, and a backpack he indicated contained three coloring books, a box of Crayola crayons, a Slinky, and a few snacks.