Governor Polis Launches Bold Signage Plan to Crack Down on Riots
“It’s time we make the message clear to would-be rioters that we simply will not tolerate it,” Polis said as he introduced his plan on Wednesday. “And what makes that message clearer than ‘Riot Free Zone’ signs?”
NBA Owners Successfully Convince Players to Stand for National Anthem
With TV ratings tanking and alienated fan bases, the NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers knew they needed to get players standing for the anthem, and fast! Fortunately, the team believes they’ve found the answer.
83-Year-Old ‘Confused as Hell’ During Mandatory Inclusiveness Training
“When we got to the gender and sexuality portion, there are just so many letters and colors, I don’t even know where to begin,” an exasperated Antonelli shared. “I’ll admit it, for the first time in my career, I’m just confused as hell.”
Toddler Blames Dominion Voting Systems for Crappy Christmas Presents
Ellie Sommer had been looking forward to Christmas all year. Despite several tantrums throughout 2020, the four-year-old was confident about her status on Santa’s nice list going into the holiday season.
Santa Claus Finds Himself in Crosshairs of Environmental Activists
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Many of the details surrounding Santa’s annual trek across the globe to deliver presents has remained a mystery. One of the bigger questions—just how Santa powers his sleigh—appears to have been solved by experts at the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). “For many years now, the world has believed that Santa’s sleigh […]
Mayor Hancock Issues Pre-Apology for His Upcoming Christmas Travel
DENVER, CO—Mayor Michael Hancock came under fire last month when he hopped on a plane shortly after tweeting to urge his fellow Coloradans not to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday. He apologized and said he learned a from the experience. In fact, Hancock held a press conference today to share his takeaways from the debacle […]
Governor Polis Enables “Auto Renew” for Colorado’s Mask Mandate
Exhausted by having to manually extend Colorado’s mask mandate each month, Governor Jared Polis logged into the “Governor’s Dashboard” section of the state’s website and set the mandate to automatically renew each month for an additional 30 days.
California Celebrates Major Milestone in Takeover of Colorado
Over a decade ago, California initiated an ambitious plan to take over Colorado and render it indistinguishable from California.