SACRAMENTO, CA—Over a decade ago, California initiated an ambitious plan to take over Colorado and render it indistinguishable from California. The latest milestone was successfully achieved with the recent opening of California-based In-N-Out Burger in Aurora and Colorado Springs, with a Lone Tree location in the works as well.
We spoke to Fred Huxley, who heads the committee responsible for executing the Colorado takeover plan. “With California’s deteriorating infrastructure, massive debts, failing schools, not to mention our fires and earthquakes, frankly, we were embarrassed. We decided we would divert the negative attention by dragging another state down rather than to try to turn California around.”
At the heart of the plan is influencing Colorado legislators of the right policies to promote homelessness and government dependence, destabilize the power grid, raise taxes, increase crime rates, scare off productive businesses, and make the state more susceptible to natural disasters.
Huxley explained that in order to pull off the takeover, they needed to get as many Californians to move to Colorado as possible in order to get the “right people” into elected office. And he feels they’ve largely achieved this goal. “Californians have moved there in droves,” noted Huxley. “With the blue wave we’ve realized in Colorado, we’ve got them headed right down our same path to destruction.”
So how does In-N-Out figure into the equation? “Simple, you have to keep them there,” says Huxley. “We don’t want them running off to Wyoming or Texas too soon. And if you give people access to a Double-Double, Animal Style, we’ll hang onto enough of them for long enough to make Colorado as much of a dump as California.”