DENVER, CO — In a bold move to ensure public safety this Fourth of July, Denver officials have banned all fireworks while proudly announcing that the entire downtown area has been reclassified as a city-sanctioned Dumpster Fire™, now officially recognized as a cultural and pyrotechnic event.
“Fireworks are inherently dangerous,” said city spokesperson Kendra Moralez, adjusting her N95 mask as smoke billowed from a burning Lime scooter behind her. “That’s why we’ve opted for the much safer and more eco-conscious alternative of allowing downtown to burn organically.”
Spanning 17 blocks and fueled by a mix of unsold electric scooters, compostable coffee cups, abandoned rental cars, and broken dreams, The Great Downtown Blaze™ will feature scheduled flare-ups, spontaneous tire explosions, and interpretive dance from unpaid performance artists wearing soot-streaked Patagonia overalls.
City planners say the event is “inclusive, carbon-neutral, and mostly accidental.”
Crowds have already begun to gather, roasting tofu dogs over sidewalk cracks while DJs spin techno remixes of fire truck sirens. Artisan vendors offer reusable fireproof blankets and handmade Molotov cocktail candles. A local brewery is even releasing a limited-edition IPA called Controlled Burn—smoky, bitter, and surprisingly flammable.
Mayor Mike Johnston praised the effort: “Rather than waste taxpayer money on a coordinated fireworks show, we’ve embraced the chaos. Downtown is already on fire—why not make it a tourist attraction?”
In an effort to minimize risk, the city has cordoned off “low-flame zones” for children, yoga enthusiasts, and property insurance adjusters.
Residents are encouraged to leave personal fireworks at home and instead “celebrate America by watching our capital burn in real time—both literally and metaphorically.”
The ban on fireworks remains in place through July 5, unless, of course, you’re a unhoused individual, in which case, carry on.
