Oh Crap: Nederland Discovers Oil at Eldora Ski Resort
NEDERLAND, CO — In what local environmentalists are calling “the worst thing that could possibly happen,” a Nederland city employee has accidentally discovered a massive oil reserve beneath the recently acquired Eldora Ski Resort.
ICE to deport foreign wolves from Colorado
DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
Denver Purchases AI-Controlled Toilet Paper Dispensers
As part of his statewide green initiative, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has mandated all restrooms be retrofitted with portion-controlling toilet-paper dispensers.
Colorado Slaps Tariffs on Plastic Straws, Then Adds a Surcharge for Paper Ones Just to Teach You a Lesson
DENVER, CO — In a bold new environmental initiative, Colorado lawmakers have announced sweeping tariffs on plastic straws, followed immediately by a surcharge on paper straws, “just to make sure people understand who’s really in charge here.”
Colorado Reintroduces Native Velociraptors, Immediately Regrets It After Goldendoodle Massacre
In a bold move to “rewild the West,” Colorado wildlife officials announced the successful reintroduction of native Velociraptors to the Rockies—just in time for the summer hiking season and farmer’s market crowd.
Santa Claus Finds Himself in Crosshairs of Environmental Activists
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Many of the details surrounding Santa’s annual trek across the globe to deliver presents has remained a mystery. One of the bigger questions—just how Santa powers his sleigh—appears to have been solved by experts at the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD). “For many years now, the world has believed that Santa’s sleigh […]
Wolf “Drop Zone” Miles Off Target, Sends Terror Through Colorado Town
A pleasant November afternoon at Woodbury Park took a rapid turn after a pack of gray wolves literally descended on the festivities…