WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
According to Trump’s highly scientific plan, a convoy of MAGA-branded cranes, flatbed trucks, and very big rubber bands will lift the entire 14,115-foot mountain off its foundations and roll it across the plains, Nebraska-ward.
“I know construction. We can do it. We’ll roll it, we’ll tow it — maybe even slide it,” he winked. “It’ll take three or four years, maybe hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars, but think of the tourism!”
Colorado Governor Jared Polis responded with a sarcastic mix of outrage and resignation. “This is not only absurd, it’s completely ridiculous,” he said — right before conceding, “But hey, it mostly hurts the most conservative part of the state, and really, those folks have plenty of good hikes already.” Still, he warned the move will cause “ecological upheaval, military readiness panic, and serious tourist-inconvenience.”
Meanwhile, Nebraska officials wiped tears of joy. “We couldn’t be more thrilled,” Kearney, Nebraska mayor Karen Nelson said. Tourism boards are already drafting brochures: Come see the world’s only rolling mountain—when it eventually arrives.
Environmentalists and gravity experts are outraged. “Mountains just don’t roll like tumbleweeds,” one geologist scoffed. But Trump dismissed skeptics: “Gravity? I know gravity. It’ll cooperate. Probably.”
As the convoy of cranes revs up and half the state of Colorado looks on in disbelief, one thing is certain: if you’re a tourist planning to climb Pikes Peak, you might want to check which state your GPS thinks you’re in.
