BOULDER, CO—In a move experts are calling “either masterful political trolling or the greatest misunderstanding of Boulder zoning laws in history,” sources confirmed this week that the former National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) will soon be repurposed as the Trump Presidential Library.
Reaction in Boulder was swift.
“Over my dead body,” said Boulder Mayor Aaron Brockett, reacting to the news.
The decision follows the Trump administration’s announcement that NCAR would be shuttered, freeing up its iconic mesa-top campus—long associated with climate models, atmospheric research, and graduate students who own at least three Patagonia fleeces—for what aides describe as “a much more accurate collection of information.”
According to insiders, President Trump was immediately drawn to Boulder’s deep-blue political leanings. “The president loves hostile territory,” said one advisor. “He feels it sharpens him. Plus, nothing motivates visitors to read the exhibits like pure ideological rage.”
The library is expected to feature sweeping views of the Front Range, which Trump reportedly believes will make his hair “look tremendous in photos,” as well as vast open space perfect for hosting rallies that attendees will insist were the largest gatherings ever held west of the Mississippi, despite photographic evidence to the contrary.
Former climate labs will be converted into interactive exhibits, including The Wind Tunnel of Fake News, The Polar Vortex Was Actually Very Mild, and CO₂ Is a Beautiful Molecule, Many People Are Saying. The supercomputing wing will reportedly be used to simulate hypothetical election maps in which Trump won Boulder County by “a landslide, frankly.”
Local residents reacted with a mixture of horror and confusion. “I moved here specifically to avoid this,” said one Boulder resident while relaxing in a $3.4 million townhouse.
Trump, for his part, praised the location. “Boulder’s very liberal, very angry,” he said in a statement. “Which is great, because my library will really stand out. Also, the altitude—people say it increases oxygen to the brain. I don’t need it, but some people do.”
Construction is expected to begin immediately, pending a lengthy environmental review, several lawsuits, and at least one protest involving interpretive dance.
