CHERRY CREEK, CO — Tragedy has struck Colorado’s wealthiest school district: if voters fail to approve the new free school lunch tax, Cherry Creek students will be forced to endure the unthinkable — a lunch period without their beloved caviar bar.
District officials warned the consequences would be catastrophic. “Do you know what happens to a third grader when they don’t get their daily spoonful of Beluga roe?” asked Superintendent Pembrooke Van Smugly, polishing his monocle. “Meltdowns. Chaos. Kids forced to mix Grey Poupon with ordinary mustard.”
For years, Cherry Creek cafeterias have prided themselves on offering children the same cuisine they’d expect aboard a Mediterranean yacht. Lunch staples include Wagyu sloppy joes, lobster bisque juice boxes, and Lunchables “Artisan Charcuterie Edition” with hand-sliced prosciutto and Manchego flown in daily from Spain. Students recently petitioned for oat milk to be replaced with alpaca-milk flat whites.
Aspen schools have issued a solidarity statement, warning that without the tax, they too might have to slash their menus — possibly eliminating truffle fries, foie gras nuggets, and the popular “Ski Bunny Sushi Roll” served with a side of Himalayan pink salt. “If voters don’t step up, our children may have to eat… nuggets made of chicken,” sobbed one Aspen mother, clutching her Hermès lunch bag.
Critics say the districts are out of touch, noting that free school lunch was designed to help struggling families statewide, not ensure that eight-year-olds still get fresh ahi tuna flown in from Tokyo. Supporters counter that it’s about fairness: “Why should only poor kids eat government-funded pizza when our kids deserve government-funded caviar?”
As the election nears, campaign signs dot Cherry Creek lawns: “Save the Caviar! Vote Yes on LL & MM.” Because without tax dollars, that caviar bar won’t restock itself.
