DENVER — In a stunning turn of events, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has announced that the state’s controversial housing mandates are now extremely well‐loved—at least by local governments willing to accept affordable housing applications without complaint.
The change of heart, insiders say, is all thanks to a new “motivational tool” the governor deployed last week: threatening recalcitrant municipalities with cement shoes—literally—if they dared reject or delay affordable housing permits. The legendary device (already used, we’re assured, in a totally metaphorical sense) was delivered with instructions: “Process this application, or swim with the fishes.”
Previously, many cities balked at accessory dwelling unit mandates, transit‐oriented development rules, or enforced housing density requirements. But now, in the face of concrete threats, compliance numbers have soared overnight.
“We used to find compliance dashboards a little optional,” said one unnamed mayor, speaking from a local pond. “But when we saw a pair of cement shoes in our mail slot labeled ‘next shipment,’ suddenly those adjectives like ‘optional’ and ‘discretionary’ vanished from our vocabulary.”
In a press release, Polis’s administration touted that 60 percent of jurisdictions are now “compliant,” with several even “a year ahead of schedule.” That figure is said to have nearly doubled after the cement shoe program kicked in.
Asked if the tactic was legal, the governor’s office responded: “We prefer persuasion—not coercion. But it’s hard to argue with results.” Officials refused to confirm or deny whether local governments that remain “noncompliant” might find themselves taking an unscheduled swim.
Political analysts remain skeptical, noting that handing out millions in housing grants had already been a strong carrot. Still, the cement shoe bonus has been widely praised by state bureaucrats as “a surprisingly effective local planning tool.”
One particularly enthusiastic municipality even installed a “cement shoe reception bin” at city hall, so that any incoming Executive Office packages can be promptly returned—with interest.
