As part of his statewide green initiative, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has mandated all restrooms be retrofitted with portion-controlling toilet-paper dispensers. Termed Project Upper Deck, the initiative prescribes a phased implementation of the new AI-controlled restroom fixtures.
Project head John Dunny demonstrated the technology from a men’s room at the Colorado State Capital. “This new dispenser, designed by Lockheed Martin, is operated by way of a simple, intuitive touchscreen. If a user desires more than three squares, then you simply enter a request like this…”
Mr. Dunny could be heard tapping on the mechanism’s touchscreen from behind a stall door. After several minutes, he added, “Well, shit.”
In a later statement, Mr. Dunny explained, “As Mr. Polis eyes the Oval Office, he feels it’s important to create a sense of familiarity by first occupying the porcelain ovals in each of our homes.”
Lockheed Martin estimates that each mechanism will save enough toilet paper to pay for itself by the year 3046. Mandatory home installations will commence next February.
