DENVER, CO—Each year, as the leaves begin to fall and the temperature begins to dip, Denverites are reminded that fall is upon us. And we know what means—it’s pumpkin spice season.
And while Starbucks may be in their 17th year of serving up the most successful seasonal menu item ever, Pumpkin Spice Latte, they won’t be the only capitalizing on the public’s obsession with fall flavors. Denver Police Department announced via Twitter the launch of Pumpkin Spice tear gas.
When interviewed by The Oyster, Denver Police Chief Paul Pazen wasn’t shy about excitement for the new release. “This is sure to be remembered as my greatest contribution to the great city of Denver. When Mikey [Denver Mayor Michael Hancock] and I decided that law enforcement shouldn’t intervene in the widespread rioting, vandalism, looting, and violence this summer, I reassigned many of our best officers to the kitchen, and they didn’t disappoint.”
Critics have challenged whether this is best use of taxpayer money and police resources. And when questioned about where they would use the seasonal tear gas if officers are forbidden from policing violent crime, Pazen was quick to fire back. “Trust me, we’ll make sure that restaurant owners who disobey our shutdown order and churchgoers who worship in person will miserably weep from our deadly combination of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves.”
Rumor has it that come December, officers will be decorating their batons red, green, and white for joyous, candy cane-themed holiday beatings.