FORT COLLINS, CO—In a bold step toward ending restroom-based oppression once and for all, Colorado State University’s own Dr. Willow Harrington Twofeather Windsor has unveiled a revolutionary restroom signage system inspired entirely by human genitalia—because nothing says “safe space” like walking toward an anatomically explicit wood carving.
“Traditional stick-figure signage perpetuates outdated binary oppression,” Windsor announced in a patent application, while unveiling a PowerPoint entitled Free the Restroom! “In a perfect society, every public building would have at least 175 uniquely labeled facilities representing the breathtaking diversity of human reproductive equipment. Until that utopia arrives, we’ll settle for two doors—each boasting lovingly hand-painted, full-color depictions of the relevant plumbing.”
One sign, according to Windsor, “celebrates the cosmic uterus, sacred ovaries, and holy canal possessed by birthing persons. It invites entrants not merely to relieve themselves, but to commune with Mother Gaia, honor the lunar cycle, and possibly enroll in my Intro to Goddess Studies course.” The other sign? “Oh, that’s for the men’s room,” Windsor shrugged.
To ensure inclusivity, Windsor has included a third option: a laminated flipbook hanging from a chain, featuring dozens of alternate designs for anyone who doesn’t vibe with Door A or Door B. “You simply hold up the page depicting the genitalia you have—or wish you had—and then walk in with pride.”
Field testing will begin next week at Honkers Bar and Grill in Commerce City, where management has agreed to swap their “Men” and “Women” signs for Windsor’s detailed masterpieces.
“If this works at Honkers,” Windsor said, “the sky’s the limit—stadiums, malls, funeral homes, anywhere a soul needs to feel seen while heading to the john.”
