DENVER, CO — Facing sharp federal funding cuts as part of a new congressional budget deal, Colorado Public Radio (CPR) issued a bold statement this morning defending the station’s ongoing relevance: “We are proud to represent a truly diverse range of perspectives — from Bolsheviks to Leninists.”
“People accuse us of ideological uniformity,” said CPR spokesperson Skylar (they/them), “but that’s simply not true. Just last week, we aired interviews with a climate activist who supports de-growth and a local Marxist who wants to abolish private lawnmowers. That’s the kind of vibrant spectrum you just don’t get on commercial radio.”
The announcement comes on the heels of a federal rescission targeting NPR and PBS funding, which has left stations scrambling to justify their existence beyond tote bags and vaguely British theme music.
“We’re not just one-note,” insisted CPR host Avery McTreebark during a midday segment titled Late-Stage Capitalism and the Folly of Moderate Compromise. “Some of our guests support rent control and government-funded therapy goats. That’s a broad tent!”
Listeners, however, seemed less convinced.
“I turned on CPR to hear the news,” said Loveland resident Jeremy Weiss, “and got a six-part audio documentary on the emotional labor of urban composters.”
Meanwhile, CPR has launched an emergency pledge drive with the tagline: “Support the Full Range of Left-of-Left Voices.” Premiums include a reusable hemp sack featuring the face of Che Guevara made entirely from recycled Bernie 2016 signs.
Still, CPR remains hopeful.
“We may lose federal funds,” said Skylar, “but we’ll never lose our mission: to provide a safe space for people who think Elizabeth Warren is a little too conservative.”
At press time, the station was preparing a new segment titled Voices of Dissent: Anarcho-Syndicalists Talk Succulent Care.
