DENVER, CO — In a groundbreaking move hailed as “the next frontier in public health and parental convenience,” Denver Health announced the launch of clinical trials for Baby Ozempic, a pint-sized version of the wildly popular GLP-1 weight loss drug—this time aimed at infants showing signs of “early squishiness.”
“With America’s infant obesity rate reaching crisis levels—some babies tipping the scales at 35 pounds before their first steps—we knew it was time to act,” said Dr. Willow Greenspoon, Denver Health’s Director of Pediatric Wellness and Social Equity.
The Baby Ozempic trial, dubbed “Operation Little Losers,” will focus on children between 3 months and 18 months who “score in the upper crust of the Michelin Man Index.”
“Some of these babies are rolling instead of crawling because it’s simply more efficient,” noted Dr. Greenspoon. “Baby Ozempic helps regulate their appetite for sweet potato purée and reduces cravings for fourth helpings of breast milk.”
Parents are reportedly thrilled. “My son was already outgrowing his 2T clothes at 8 months,” said trial participant Misty Ellsworth of Capitol Hill. “He was winded just from reaching for a Puff. This drug gave him his life back.”
Administered via a squeezable Elmo-shaped dispenser, Baby Ozempic comes in flavors like Banana Kale and “Mac & Tears.” Side effects may include reduced giggling, fewer thigh rolls, and an alarming increase in smugness.
Critics argue it’s too soon to give metabolic drugs to literal babies, but Denver Health insists it’s a proactive step toward a leaner future.
“If we can get these babies skinny now,” said one hospital rep, “just think of how smug they’ll be by preschool.” Next up: Toddler Wegovy — because your two
