Gov. Polis Denies Colorado Is a Rectangle
DENVER, CO — Colorado Governor Jared Polis held an impromptu press conference Tuesday where he strongly denied longstanding claims that the Centennial State is, in fact, shaped like a rectangle.
Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs
FORT COLLINS, CO—In a bold step toward ending restroom-based oppression once and for all, Colorado State University’s own Dr. Willow Harrington Twofeather Windsor has unveiled a revolutionary restroom signage system inspired entirely by human genitalia—because nothing says “safe space” like walking toward an anatomically explicit wood carving.
Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!
DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
Boulder Traffic Engineer Fired After Accidentally Timing Two Lights Together
BOULDER, CO — Panic gripped Boulder’s city government this week after motorists reported experiencing the unthinkable: two consecutive green lights.
Denver Post Exposé: Yelp Reviewers Revealed to Be “Unlicensed Dining Critics” Operating Without Journalism Degrees
DENVER, CO — In a shocking exposé that has rocked the gluten-free avocado toast community to its core, The Denver Post revealed Friday that hundreds of Yelp reviewers in the Denver metro area are actually “unlicensed dining critics”—some with no formal training in journalism, zero editor oversight, and, in several cases, limited understanding of béchamel sauce.
Colorado Slaps Tariffs on Plastic Straws, Then Adds a Surcharge for Paper Ones Just to Teach You a Lesson
DENVER, CO — In a bold new environmental initiative, Colorado lawmakers have announced sweeping tariffs on plastic straws, followed immediately by a surcharge on paper straws, “just to make sure people understand who’s really in charge here.”
Bye Bye Boobies: Tattered Cover Launches Gender-Affirming Children’s Book Series
DENVER — In a bold move that’s already generating applause, outrage, and confused glances from grandparents, Denver’s Tattered Cover Bookstore has announced a new children’s series titled “The Gender Journey Library.”
The first release? A whimsically illustrated rhyming adventure titled Bye Bye Boobies—which the publisher promises is “perfect for ages 4 to 8, and anyone else confused by basic biology.”
Denver’s First Women’s Pro Soccer Team to Play at Empty Lot Behind Chipotle
DENVER, CO — In a historic announcement met with mild curiosity and a single thumbs-up emoji, Denver’s first professional women’s soccer team, Summit FC, revealed their inaugural home venue: the empty gravel lot behind the Chipotle on Colfax.
“Baby Ozempic” Trial: Denver Health’s Sippy Cup-Sized Syringe Delivers Hope—and Shame—to Plus-Size Infants
DENVER, CO — In a groundbreaking move hailed as “the next frontier in public health and parental convenience,” Denver Health announced the launch of clinical trials for Baby Ozempic, a pint-sized version of the wildly popular GLP-1 weight loss drug—this time aimed at infants showing signs of “early squishiness.”
Colorado Public Radio Defends Programming Amid Cuts: “We Proudly Feature Both Socialists and Democratic Socialists”
DENVER, CO — Facing sharp federal funding cuts as part of a new congressional budget deal, Colorado Public Radio (CPR) issued a bold statement this morning defending the station’s ongoing relevance: “We are proud to represent a truly diverse range of perspectives — from Bolsheviks to Leninists.”