State Can’t Fill Potholes, But Will Expand Telluride Film Festival Subsidy For Documentary About Potholes
DENVER, CO—Admitting that “hard infrastructure is complicated,” Colorado state officials announced Monday that while they remain unable to fill the rapidly multiplying potholes across state highways, they have successfully expanded a multimillion-dollar subsidy for a Telluride Film Festival documentary exploring the deeper meaning of potholes.
Colorado Sex Worker Bill Fails to Reach Climax
DENVER—After months of buildup, anticipation, and legislative foreplay, Colorado’s much-talked-about sex worker decriminalization bill ultimately fizzled out Monday, leaving lawmakers and advocates alike experiencing what political analysts described as “a bipartisan case of legislative blue balls.”
Downtown Boulder Unveils New Game: Homeless? Or Just From Boulder?
BOULDER, CO — In an innovative effort to “reframe community concerns as community engagement,” Downtown Boulder this week unveiled a new augmented-reality smartphone game asking residents and tourists alike to answer one deceptively simple question: Homeless? Or just from Boulder?
Report: Boulder’s NCAR to Become Trump Presidential Library
BOULDER, CO—In a move experts are calling “either masterful political trolling or the greatest misunderstanding of Boulder zoning laws in history,” sources confirmed this week that the former National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) will soon be repurposed as the Trump Presidential Library.
Oh Crap: Nederland Discovers Oil at Eldora Ski Resort
NEDERLAND, CO — In what local environmentalists are calling “the worst thing that could possibly happen,” a Nederland city employee has accidentally discovered a massive oil reserve beneath the recently acquired Eldora Ski Resort.
ICE to deport foreign wolves from Colorado
DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
Housing Mandates Suddenly Popular After Governor Sends Cement Shoes with Affordable Housing Applications
DENVER — In a stunning turn of events, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has announced that the state’s controversial housing mandates are now extremely well‐loved—at least by local governments willing to accept affordable housing applications without complaint.
Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails
CHERRY CREEK, CO — Tragedy has struck Colorado’s wealthiest school district: if voters fail to approve the new free school lunch tax, Cherry Creek students will be forced to endure the unthinkable — a lunch period without their beloved caviar bar.
Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor
DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska
WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”