ICE to deport foreign wolves from Colorado
DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
Housing Mandates Suddenly Popular After Governor Sends Cement Shoes with Affordable Housing Applications
DENVER — In a stunning turn of events, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has announced that the state’s controversial housing mandates are now extremely well‐loved—at least by local governments willing to accept affordable housing applications without complaint.
Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails
CHERRY CREEK, CO — Tragedy has struck Colorado’s wealthiest school district: if voters fail to approve the new free school lunch tax, Cherry Creek students will be forced to endure the unthinkable — a lunch period without their beloved caviar bar.
Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor
DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska
WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
Gov. Polis Denies Colorado Is a Rectangle
DENVER, CO — Colorado Governor Jared Polis held an impromptu press conference Tuesday where he strongly denied longstanding claims that the Centennial State is, in fact, shaped like a rectangle.
Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs
FORT COLLINS, CO—In a bold step toward ending restroom-based oppression once and for all, Colorado State University’s own Dr. Willow Harrington Twofeather Windsor has unveiled a revolutionary restroom signage system inspired entirely by human genitalia—because nothing says “safe space” like walking toward an anatomically explicit wood carving.
Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!
DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
Boulder Traffic Engineer Fired After Accidentally Timing Two Lights Together
BOULDER, CO — Panic gripped Boulder’s city government this week after motorists reported experiencing the unthinkable: two consecutive green lights.
Denver Post Exposé: Yelp Reviewers Revealed to Be “Unlicensed Dining Critics” Operating Without Journalism Degrees
DENVER, CO — In a shocking exposé that has rocked the gluten-free avocado toast community to its core, The Denver Post revealed Friday that hundreds of Yelp reviewers in the Denver metro area are actually “unlicensed dining critics”—some with no formal training in journalism, zero editor oversight, and, in several cases, limited understanding of béchamel sauce.