NEDERLAND, CO — In what local environmentalists are calling “the worst thing that could possibly happen,” a Nederland city employee has accidentally discovered a massive oil reserve beneath the recently acquired Eldora Ski Resort.
Come and listen to a story ’bout a town called Ned,
A hippie mountain haven where the Deadheads fled,
Then one day while installing a solar panel array,
Up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude spray.
Black gold, that is. Texas Tea. Climate disaster. Greta’s nightmare.
The discovery occurred when city maintenance worker Jed Clampit, 47, was drilling to install geothermal heating at the base lodge. “I was just trying to reduce our carbon footprint, man,” Clampit said, weeping into his kombucha. “Now we’re literally sitting on the same amount of oil reserves as Qatar. This is my personal hell.”
Well the first thing you know the whole town’s a billionaire,
The Board of Trustees said “We can’t keep this oil there,”
Said “renewable energy is the place we ought to be,”
So they scheduled fourteen meetings to discuss it thoughtfully.
Consensus-based governance, that is. Talking circles. Facilitated dialogue.
Mayor Pro Tem Crystal Moonbeam immediately called an emergency town hall, where approximately 400 residents showed up wearing “Keep Nederland Weird (And Poor)” t-shirts. The crowd was unanimously opposed to any oil extraction.
“This is a catastrophe,” said local activist River Steinberg, 32, who lives in a yurt. “We didn’t buy Eldora to become Big Oil. We bought it to keep skiing ethical and locally sourced. I’d rather we all remain financially struggling than compromise our values.”
The sentiment was echoed by dozens of speakers, each taking their allotted three minutes to condemn the discovery. Local coffee shop owner Cimmaron Wholewheat suggested the town “sage the entire mountain to cleanse it of petroleum energy.”
But then one day the royalty checks started comin’ in,
Suddenly them Subarus got upgraded to C-Class Benz,
Folks who swore they’d never sell started lookin’ kinda pale,
When they realized that oil money pays for a ton of organic kale.
Hypocrisy, that is. Flexible ethics. Evolving consciousness.
By the second town hall meeting two weeks later, attendance had dropped to 47 people. Several prominent “No Drilling” activists were notably absent, with sources confirming they were in Aspen looking at investment properties.
“Look, I’m still against fossil fuels in theory,” said former vocal opponent Marcus Greenleaf, now wearing an Arc’teryx jacket that retails for $1160. “But my royalty check was enough to finally pay off my student loans from my Sustainable Agriculture degree. Maybe we can drill responsibly? Like with hemp-based drill bits or something?”
The Nederland Board of Trustees held an emergency session last Tuesday to discuss the formation of the “Eldora Petroleum Ethics and Redistribution Committee.” The meeting, originally scheduled for three hours, lasted eleven minutes.
“After careful consideration and input from the community,” Mayor Moonbeam announced, visibly uncomfortable, “we’ve decided to pursue a limited extraction pilot program. All profits will go toward… uh… offsetting carbon emissions… somewhere else.”
When pressed on specifics, she added: “Look, we can finally fix those potholes on Peak-to-Peak Highway, okay? The big one that’s been there since 2003. Don’t you people want that?”
So they loaded up their Teslas with that oil money fine,
Said “Nederland’s the place we’re gonna stay this time,”
Bought some solar panels to ease their guilty minds,
While cashin’ them checks from the petroleum they find.
Cognitive dissonance, that is. Virtue signaling. Having it both ways.
Local resident Autumn Chakra, who once chained herself to a tree to protest a cell tower, was seen this week test-driving a Lucid Gravity Grand Touring electric vehicle. When asked about the oil discovery, she replied: “It’s complicated. I’m using my portion to fund my healing retreat center in Bali. That’s different.”
The town has announced that 2% of all oil revenues will go toward a “We’re Really Sorry About This” fund, which will plant trees in unspecified locations and sponsor vegan food trucks at local festivals.
Eldora Ski Resort has been renamed “Eldora Energy & Winter Recreation Complex.” Season passes are now $2,000, but include a free tote bag that says “Skiing Powered by Irony.”
