DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
“Colorado is for American predators only,” declared ICE spokesperson Hank Dudley, standing beside a pickup truck full of sedated wolves wearing tiny ankle monitors. “We support legal migration—coyotes, mountain lions, even the occasional bobcat—but we draw the line at foreign packs howling in broken French.”
The wolves, reintroduced from Canada to restore “ecological balance,” reportedly claimed asylum, citing persecution by ranchers. However, their pleas were rejected after officials discovered they had crossed the border “under cover of darkness, using elk trails known to smugglers.”
Environmental activists condemned the deportations, insisting the wolves were “just looking for a better life and a few tasty cows.” Meanwhile, ICE confirmed the animals will be escorted back to Canada and told to “enter through legal wildlife corridors next time.”
In response, Canada has threatened to build a fence—made entirely of polite disapproval.
