DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
“It was either this or sell fentanyl,” confessed Luz Ortega, owner of El Burrito Místico, now operating as a “Zen Detox Center with Optional Guac.” “People don’t want enchiladas anymore — they want to process the five stages of grief while inhaling lavender mist.”
The restaurant’s new layout features meditation pods made from repurposed traffic cones, complimentary grounding crystals sourced from abandoned BRT excavation pits, and an immersive “guided scream therapy” class every hour on the hour. A curated playlist of wind chimes, chanting monks, and distant jackhammer rage sets the mood.
For $22, guests receive a 30-minute session of “Silent Tortilla Breathing™,” a weighted anxiety blanket made from leftover caution tape, and unlimited access to the communal “Grief Salsa Bar.” Premium “Nirvana Packages” include noise-canceling headphones, blackout goggles to avoid seeing the crater formerly known as Colfax, and a complimentary burrito “to cry into.”
City planners celebrated the pivot, calling it “a vital economic adaptation to prolonged infrastructural despair.” When asked when construction would be finished, one official reportedly stared into the middle distance and whispered, “Time is an illusion.”
Meanwhile, three competing restaurants have banded together to launch a Colfax-wide wellness brand called “Namaste & Nachos™”, which promises to “align your chakras while realigning the sewer pipes they forgot to install.”
At press time, Lyft announced a new feature allowing passengers to “meditate in place” while waiting the estimated 43 minutes it now takes to travel one block.
