DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
Shelly Bradbury, famed for unmasking private citizens who dared post public records online, has now turned her Pulitzer-bait gaze to anonymous foam-headed reptiles. “People who claim to be citizen entertainers must stand by their work with their true name and endure the negative comments and threats that come with the job,” explained columnist Krista Kafer, bravely applying her standard of transparency to a purple cartoon dinosaur whose biggest crime is shooting T-shirts into the upper deck.
Bradbury’s tireless research included open-records requests for Dinger’s birth certificate, social security number, jersey size, favorite nacho topping, and a decade of Venmo transactions to determine if he’s been undertipping Little League pizza parties.
“High-fiving kids between innings while concealing your identity is basically the same as running an anonymous crime watchdog page,” Bradbury explained, polishing her magnifying glass. “The public has a right to know who’s under there—and whether he supports the mayor’s bike-only initiative.”
Dinger, who has spent decades cheerfully dancing on dugouts and taking foul balls to the ribs, is said to be “deeply unsettled” by the doxxing. “I just wanted to shake my tail and make people happy,” he whispered, still in full costume, while hiding behind a dumpster outside Coors Field.
Critics say The Post’s next exposé will target the guy in the Chick-fil-A cow suit, the sign-spinner outside Mattress Firm, and anyone caught wearing a Halloween mask without a byline.
Because in Denver’s brave new world, nobody is safe—not even a foam-padded dinosaur whose only agenda is T-shirt cannons and awkward hip-thrusts.
