DENVER, CO — In a shocking exposé that has rocked the gluten-free avocado toast community to its core, The Denver Post revealed Friday that hundreds of Yelp reviewers in the Denver metro area are actually “unlicensed dining critics”—some with no formal training in journalism, zero editor oversight, and, in several cases, limited understanding of béchamel sauce.
Using open records requests, anonymous tip lines, and a Freedom of Information Act request to Yelp’s customer service chatbot, The Post uncovered that many of these rogue reviewers operate under pseudonyms like “TacoKing87” and “WineMom420,” dispensing star ratings and snarky comments with total disregard for legacy media gatekeeping.
“These individuals are writing about restaurants without fact-checkers, without food expense accounts, and without the faintest idea how to properly use the word ‘mouthfeel,’” gasped Post Dining Editor Clarissa Fontaine, who holds a master’s degree in Gastronomic Storytelling from Columbia.
The investigation found some reviewers dared to criticize Michelin hopefuls for “small portions” and “vibes being off,” despite lacking Pulitzer Prizes or verified Twitter accounts.
One reviewer, known only as “SushiSlayer,” was caught giving a two-star review to a downtown omakase spot simply because “the wasabi made my nose hot.” The Post labeled this “an act of domestic culinary terrorism.”
City Council is reportedly considering new regulations requiring Yelp reviewers to disclose political affiliations, household income, and whether their dog is named “Churro.”
“These Yelp bandits are eroding trust in our most sacred civic institutions: the press and brunch,” warned Post Editor-in-Chief Hank Featherstone. “If we don’t stop them now, next thing you know, someone will review a coffee shop without attending a barista symposium.”
Meanwhile, The Post has launched its own counter-review site, Yelpless, where readers can enjoy 10,000-word essays on arugula, peer-reviewed by former interns.
