DENVER, CO — In a bold new environmental initiative, Colorado lawmakers have announced sweeping tariffs on plastic straws, followed immediately by a surcharge on paper straws, “just to make sure people understand who’s really in charge here.”
Governor Jared Polis hailed the move as “a historic step toward a cleaner, more confusing future,” adding that the state’s ultimate goal is to “make drinking from cups so prohibitively expensive that Coloradans just learn to lap their beverages directly like responsible, eco-friendly house cats.”
Under the new policy, restaurants will pay a $2 “Earth Protection Tariff” per plastic straw, followed by a $1.50 “Moral Superiority Fee” per paper straw. Any establishment caught attempting to hand out reusable metal straws will face a $5 “Luxury Virtue Tax,” because, according to state officials, “no one likes smugness that isn’t government-approved.”
“This isn’t about saving the planet,” admitted Colorado Environmental Czar Will Toor. “It’s about reminding people that every time they think they’ve found a loophole, we can always make it worse.”
Local businesses expressed confusion over the rules, with one Denver café owner noting, “We switched to biodegradable straws last year, then we got fined for having a logo printed on them. Now they’re telling us the only acceptable option is handing customers a hollow stick of locally sourced quinoa and hoping for the best.”
Environmental activists applauded the measure but demanded harsher penalties, proposing an “Open Beverage Law” that would require anyone drinking soda to pour it directly into their hands.
The state legislature is reportedly drafting its next phase of beverage-related reforms, including a “carbon-neutral ice cube tax” and a plan to charge residents $0.25 every time they exhale into their drink.
