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OYSTER ARCHIVE

President Trump Admits His Orange Coloration is Due to His Support of the Denver Broncos

In a recent speech to the United Nations, President Trump explained that his odd coloration is a result of his love for the Denver Broncos. Mr. Trump said, “You look at that orange, you think of toughness. You think of champions. Just amazing people. Amazing energy. Total winners. Believe me.”
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Denver Purchases AI-Controlled Toilet Paper Dispensers

As part of his statewide green initiative, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has mandated all restrooms be retrofitted with portion-controlling toilet-paper dispensers.
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Housing Mandates Suddenly Popular After Governor Sends Cement Shoes with Affordable Housing Applications

Housing Mandates Suddenly Popular After Governor Sends Cement Shoes with Affordable Housing Applications

DENVER — In a stunning turn of events, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has announced that the state’s controversial housing mandates are now extremely well‐loved—at least by local governments willing to accept affordable housing applications without complaint.
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Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails

Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails

CHERRY CREEK, CO — Tragedy has struck Colorado’s wealthiest school district: if voters fail to approve the new free school lunch tax, Cherry Creek students will be forced to endure the unthinkable — a lunch period without their beloved caviar bar.
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Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor

Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor

DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
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Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska

Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska

WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
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