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OYSTER ARCHIVE

Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails

Oh No! Cherry Creek to Cut Caviar Bar if Free School Lunch Tax Fails

CHERRY CREEK, CO — Tragedy has struck Colorado’s wealthiest school district: if voters fail to approve the new free school lunch tax, Cherry Creek students will be forced to endure the unthinkable — a lunch period without their beloved caviar bar.
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Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor

Colfax Restaurants Rebrand as “Trauma Recovery Centers” as BRT Construction Turns Street Into Post-Apocalyptic Mindfulness Corridor

DENVER, CO — After months of relentless Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) construction transforming East Colfax into what one Yelp reviewer called “Fallujah, but with fewer parking spots,” local restaurants have abandoned the concept of food entirely and are now marketing themselves as “Trauma-Informed Healing Sanctuaries.”
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Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska

Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska

WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
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Gov. Polis Denies Colorado Is a Rectangle

Gov. Polis Denies Colorado Is a Rectangle

DENVER, CO — Colorado Governor Jared Polis held an impromptu press conference Tuesday where he strongly denied longstanding claims that the Centennial State is, in fact, shaped like a rectangle.
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Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs

Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs 

FORT COLLINS, CO—In a bold step toward ending restroom-based oppression once and for all, Colorado State University’s own Dr. Willow Harrington Twofeather Windsor has unveiled a revolutionary restroom signage system inspired entirely by human genitalia—because nothing says “safe space” like walking toward an anatomically explicit wood carving.
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Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!

Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!

DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
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