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OYSTER ARCHIVE

Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs

Colorado State Professor Patents New “Genitalia Affirming” Restroom Signs 

FORT COLLINS, CO—In a bold step toward ending restroom-based oppression once and for all, Colorado State University’s own Dr. Willow Harrington Twofeather Windsor has unveiled a revolutionary restroom signage system inspired entirely by human genitalia—because nothing says “safe space” like walking toward an anatomically explicit wood carving.
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Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!

Denver Post Doxxes Dinger: There’s A Real Person In There!

DENVER—In a daring act of investigative heroism that will surely be taught in journalism schools for decades, The Denver Post has confirmed that beloved Rockies mascot “Dinger” is—brace yourselves—an actual human being in a dinosaur suit.
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Boulder Traffic Engineer Fired After Accidentally Timing Two Lights Together

Boulder Traffic Engineer Fired After Accidentally Timing Two Lights Together

BOULDER, CO — Panic gripped Boulder’s city government this week after motorists reported experiencing the unthinkable: two consecutive green lights.
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Denver Post Exposé: Yelp Reviewers Revealed to Be “Unlicensed Dining Critics” Operating Without Journalism Degrees

Denver Post Exposé: Yelp Reviewers Revealed to Be “Unlicensed Dining Critics” Operating Without Journalism Degrees

DENVER, CO — In a shocking exposé that has rocked the gluten-free avocado toast community to its core, The Denver Post revealed Friday that hundreds of Yelp reviewers in the Denver metro area are actually “unlicensed dining critics”—some with no formal training in journalism, zero editor oversight, and, in several cases, limited understanding of béchamel sauce.
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Come up with a Babylon Bee style photorealistic picture in 4:3 aspect for this story: Colorado Slaps Tariffs on Plastic Straws, Then Adds a Surcharge for Paper Ones Just to Teach You a Lesson

Colorado Slaps Tariffs on Plastic Straws, Then Adds a Surcharge for Paper Ones Just to Teach You a Lesson

DENVER, CO — In a bold new environmental initiative, Colorado lawmakers have announced sweeping tariffs on plastic straws, followed immediately by a surcharge on paper straws, “just to make sure people understand who’s really in charge here.”
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Bye Bye Boobies: Tattered Cover Launches Gender-Affirming Children's Book Series

Bye Bye Boobies: Tattered Cover Launches Gender-Affirming Children’s Book Series

DENVER — In a bold move that’s already generating applause, outrage, and confused glances from grandparents, Denver’s Tattered Cover Bookstore has announced a new children’s series titled “The Gender Journey Library.” The first release? A whimsically illustrated rhyming adventure titled Bye Bye Boobies—which the publisher promises is “perfect for ages 4 to 8, and anyone else confused by basic biology.”
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