Oh Crap: Nederland Discovers Oil at Eldora Ski Resort
NEDERLAND, CO — In what local environmentalists are calling “the worst thing that could possibly happen,” a Nederland city employee has accidentally discovered a massive oil reserve beneath the recently acquired Eldora Ski Resort.
ICE to deport foreign wolves from Colorado
DENVER, CO — In a bold show of border enforcement, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today it has begun deporting dozens of Canadian wolves found illegally roaming Colorado. Officials say the wolves failed to present valid visas or proof of American ancestry, leading to what is being called the “largest wildlife immigration raid since the 2015 moose crisis.”
Housing Mandates Suddenly Popular After Governor Sends Cement Shoes with Affordable Housing Applications
DENVER — In a stunning turn of events, Colorado Governor Jared Polis has announced that the state’s controversial housing mandates are now extremely well‐loved—at least by local governments willing to accept affordable housing applications without complaint.
Trump Announces Pikes Peak Moving from Colorado to Nebraska
WASHINGTON (AP) — In an utterly historic—and completely plausible—announcement that has geologists flabbergasted and Nebraskans scratching their heads, former President Trump declared today that Pikes Peak will be physically relocated from Colorado to Nebraska. “Why leave such a Big Beautiful Mountain in that Rocky Mountain hellhole,” he asked, “when Nebraska could use a tourism boost?”
Gov. Polis Denies Colorado Is a Rectangle
DENVER, CO — Colorado Governor Jared Polis held an impromptu press conference Tuesday where he strongly denied longstanding claims that the Centennial State is, in fact, shaped like a rectangle.
Boulder Traffic Engineer Fired After Accidentally Timing Two Lights Together
BOULDER, CO — Panic gripped Boulder’s city government this week after motorists reported experiencing the unthinkable: two consecutive green lights.
Colorado Public Radio Defends Programming Amid Cuts: “We Proudly Feature Both Socialists and Democratic Socialists”
DENVER, CO — Facing sharp federal funding cuts as part of a new congressional budget deal, Colorado Public Radio (CPR) issued a bold statement this morning defending the station’s ongoing relevance: “We are proud to represent a truly diverse range of perspectives — from Bolsheviks to Leninists.”
Border Flap: Wyoming Sign at Southern Border Draws Ire of Colorado Governor
CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) — A new sign posted along the Wyoming-Colorado border has sparked a heated exchange between state officials this week, after a photo of the sign — reading “Welcome to Colorful Colorado. Ask Yourself What Poor Life Choices Led to This.” — went viral on social media.
Firebombing Fallout: Boulder Adopts “Common Sense” Safety Rules for Future Attacks
Boulder City Manager Nuria Rivera-Vandermyde explained, “This important step ensures safety for the Boulder’s Jewish community while balancing the first-amendment rights of undocumented immigrants who wish to protest Zionism by setting them on fire.”
Denver Dog Mom Regrets Voting for Wolf Reintroduction
Self-proclaimed “Dog Mom,” Ashley Miller, says she made a big mistake by voting for the reintroduction of wolves into Colorado.